Look, I’m gonna be completely honest in this post… and I’m not ever going to apologize for it. I’m tired of feeling like I have to sugar coat my experiences or hide them.
I’m done with it. You can take it or leave it.
That being said…
My anxiety lately has been wild, and it doesn’t help that I haven’t been sleeping well and when I do sleep, it isn’t for long, I have nightmares or I keep waking up and can’t go back to sleep.
It’s draining. It’s exhausting.
It’s hard to balance and to find any sort of a routine when I’ve got this on my plate. I either sleep all day before work, or don’t sleep at all and just lay there miserable.
When I come home, I just go right back into my room – needing that quiet and ability to turn “off” and have my own space, my own times, my own routine.
And while the endometriosis has really been manageable since surgery in August, anxiety and no sleep really do take a toll on your body and your health.
I’m depressed. I’m anxious. I’m moody.
I can’t eat. I’ve lost weight.
I’m on edge almost constantly.
I have no focus. I have a hard time just watching television.
The little things will set me off.. the last couple of days it’s been people asking me a million questions about every little thing I do, or assuming things without asking.
The fact that my period is coming soon just makes it worse, which is something I am really just now beginning to realize. I’m so on edge right now and nothing is taking that edge away.
My anxiety med doesn’t even do anything for me anymore, it doesn’t even make me sleepy (yes, I’m going to bring that up to my new psychiatrist when I see her).
The worst part about the anxiety and insomnia right now is how they often go hand in hand, and the worse one gets, the other is soon to follow.
It’s a draining process that I’m fighting, even when I feel like giving up.
I’m exhausted, overwhelmed, on edge, feeling broken and feeling like a burden.
And while I have been here before and will be here again (and again and again and again…), it never gets easier, and sometimes, to be honest, it feels like it only gets harder.